The day I saw Death

I am tired of it all. I take care of everyone and everything at home, and yet, no one gives me a damn. I’m just taken for granted.

Let me tell you what happened this morning. I woke up fresh and fine, and made myself and my hubby some hot coffee, and sat in the balcony of our first floor flat, enjoying the cool breeze. My husband, who had just finished his workout, started, ‘I just don’t like the way the kids are idling. They don’t even wake up early!’ Being an early riser, I know of the benefits of being a lark, but my twins, aged ten, were too young to understand that. I am a firm believer in discipline, not in form, but in content. ‘Look at Kaushik, he’s one year junior to our useless fellows, but gets up early, takes the tennis class, goes to school, learns the piano, and can dance like MJ. Look at our fellows. Except for studies, they’re good for nothing’. ‘Oh, please stop that, won’t you? It seems you are cursing your children!’ said I, closing my ears from the foulness of the talk. Is this the way a father thinks about his children? Could he not think constructively? ‘You don’t understand my position. All my peers have achievers as their children. And look at me, I have twins, with half the achievement of any single child’. ‘There you are… You have twins, so you are doubly blessed. Achievements are not an end in itself. Recollect your district first rank in your X standard exam. Now, after being the father of two, does it give you the same pride and achievement as you did then?’

‘Yes, it does.’

‘My gold medal in graduation doesn’t. I was a fool not to have realised that you cannot grow up’.

‘Yes, so was I. I thought you had a purpose in life, which was beyond being idle or encouraging idleness’.

‘Idle, and me? Do you know of the requirements of each and everyone in the family? I know that. I take care of everyone in the family, and also supplement your income. For my selfless service, this is the compliment I get. Perhaps, I deserve it, as I got married to an undeserving person’.

The air around was heating up. ‘‘Selfless’ is a proxy for inability to do something in a proper way’, my hubby rubbed salt on my already wounded heart and walked away, leaving the half- consumed coffee to get cold.

*****

The atmosphere was surcharged at the dining table. I silently served idlies, sambar and mint chutney to my mother- in –law and husband, and helped myself with some and sat down to eat. There were days when my darling husband would not start till I helped myself with my food. I looked at his plate and realised that he was almost through with his breakfast. I did not feel bad that he had not waited for me- rather I was relieved he did not. Who would want to hear his outrightly negative ‘I’m the best and you, the worst’ assertion at every meeting? ‘I’ll return past 2 p.m. You guys have your lunch’, shouted he, from the drawing room, tying up his shoe laces, ‘let me see if your twin Kumbhakarnas wake up by then!’

‘Dare you call your children by demonic names’, I shouted, adding, ‘I have to go to the City Heart area to buy the oxygen concentrator for mother-in-law. I’ll take the smaller car, so you take the big one’. ‘Oh, that area! It’s congested and yet full of merchandise traffic and oversized consignments! Take an auto, or, if your status doesn’t permit, take a cab. The parking lot is far off, and you may bring the car out with dents’.

I got irritated. He is least concerned about my comforts even as he wants me to look after everyone’s. And, he is more interested in the car than in me. Such a money- minded materialist!

‘Why do you both quarrel on non- issues? Men are always short- tempered. Women have to adjust with them. His father was also like this. Did I not adjust?’

Look at this! It’s now my mother-in-law’s turn to doormat me. She doesn’t even value me for treating her like my own mother. She’s ever ready to defend her son, even if he hadn’t asked for it. They’d have named Eveready batteries after her. Tch.

‘Aunty, I’ll get ready. As you know, I’ll go to buy the oxygenator for you’, said I, quickly exiting the dining room before she could lay the proverbial last straw on my back.

*******

The cabwalla lost his way and turned up late. Today seems to be a day of setbacks, and for no fault of mine. Or, was it, to have married this typical, uncaring MCP? Why did I not realise that, then? Did my parents not tell me that he and his family did not look like the progressive type? I was too blinded by love to listen. Here, I am paying with the peace of my mind, and happiness.

‘Aunty, the food is laid on the table. I’ll most probably be back before your lunchtime, but just in case I am late, please have food on time’.

‘My dear daughter- in- law, don’t you know I’d love your company over weekends?’

She’s killing me with her love, and her son is killing me with his indifference and tangentiality! Life is more miserable than death!

‘I too love your company, Aunty. But your health is more important. Please have food on time. If only the taxi had turned up in time, it wouldn’t have to cut too fine. See you’.

As soon as I got into the taxi, I called the surgical shop, and told the trader that I’d reach in another 30-40 minutes. He confirmed that he had stock of the equipment and asked me to come over.

It wasn’t a smooth drive. No, I am not talking of the state of the roads, but of the state of mind of the cab driver. He did not have the patience to hear the trader out fully, made two- three rounds of the place, got irritated and left me to find my way after a while. It was a long walk in the hot sun, and I realised I forgot my water bottle in the cab! Moreover, at these traditional wholesalers’ shops, we don’t have the facility of swiping! What a miserable day! What if someone gets a wind of it, and snatched my bag away? I’ll be poorer by fifty grand!

Let me not surround myself with negativity. Let me go pick up my equipment and return home, to be my mother-in- law’s companion over lunch.

I managed to reach the place, where I was received cordially. It was a congested little shop, with a wooden table and chair for the dealer and a wooden stool for the prospective client. ‘Will you have a cool drink, Madam?’ he asked. ‘No, thank you. If you can demonstrate the handling, I’ll take it home’.

‘Just a minute madam, we need to fetch it from our godown, fifteen minutes away’.

‘But I told you a long time ago that I’d be here’.

‘Sorry for that, madam, but everyday, we get umpteen calls from clients who don’t turn up’. My family does not recognize my sincerity, and, this fellow does not believe in it!

‘Here is my boy. Mahavir, go get the oxygenator for madam’, said he, again.

Half an hour went by, but no sign of Mahavir. I became impatient. ‘How long? You think you’ll get more clients by making us wait?’

‘Sorry, madam. I’m talking to him………….He is unable to recognize it. It is not a fast- moving item. Moreover, it’s large and heavy. As you can see…Look for it on the right side of the attic, Mahavir…’

‘Aunty, I still did not get to see the equipment. I don’t know how long it will take….Don’t worry about my food, I’m young, so I can withstand hunger….’

‘Do you have the stock or not?’ I asked impatiently.

‘Here it is, madam’, he said finally.

‘Madam, we can’t sell it to you today. We can’t find the plug’.

‘Please check right. It may have been tucked inside some partition.’

‘Yes, here it is… Where is the water bottle? I just took it out… aah I found it. Now feel the outlet, madam, you can feel the oxygen circulation.’

‘Shall I call an auto, madam? Mahavir, pack it properly’.

‘Hello, Manikyam, please come to shop number…’

‘Sorry madam, the lane is too narrow to drive through. Please come to the junction about 300m away’.

‘Will your man help me till the junction?’

‘Sure, madam. Mahavir, take this equipment and put it carefully onto madam’s car’.

As I followed him, dodging bullock carts ferrying merchandise and people carrying heavy baggage, I heard a tring- tring bell, followed by a shout, ‘Keep out’, from behind. I dodged from the way but I was hit by the handle bar of the cyclist. Even as I rolled on the dung- stained road, I felt a fat tyre touch my back. ‘Stop’, I screamed. Meanwhile, Mahavir and others present there held the vehicle from moving forward. ‘This lady paid no heed to my shout’, a voice was heard. I looked around. The tyre was similar to a tractor’s. I should have been dead, I wondered. The people around me wouldn’t let me wonder, but help me up, make me wash my face, give me water to drink, and chide the load-puller (not a cyclist) for his recklessness. I thanked them and got into the car. I wanted to call home, so when I looked at my purse, I noticed a blood stain. It was from my badly bruised left elbow.

I contemplated on the accident. It was a heavy tyre. It was just the absence of adequate horsepower which saved me. But, I had no fear at that time. God decided that it was not yet time to recall me. But, equanimity—that wasn’t my forte at any time! I did not even recall the innocent faces of my sweet little twins!!

I was amazed for a while before an uncomfortable thought struck me. Perhaps, the dearth of love, of freedom and happiness and of recognition at home paled death into obscurity. I was alive, but my soul may have been beaten to death long ago.

So, I decided- to live, as long as I was alive.

**************